Moth's Lantern

The first blog post! I got accepted for a new job yesterday, which is exciting. Here's hoping the extra money will help! I mean, I know it will but everything continues to increase...When I was a kid, all I wanted was to live comfortably. I didn't know that at the time, my childish definition of comfortable was actually living a privelleged life of luxury. At least, according to a lot of the rest of the world circumstances.

Now it's time to try coding my own paragraph! Neat! I'll need to make an imgur account for this porject. I'll also proabbly want to make the posts go in chronological order from the bottom up so the most recent post is on top..But I don't want to figure that out right now. So.

If I am nowhere, am I real? Surely, I must be for I cannot remove myself from the exterior that has created and consumed me. Why do I avoid that which feeds me? Why is it so deeply tiring to maintain care and health for myself? Why am I afraid of nourshing myself more than consuming myself? Good morning, good afternoon, good night. Would an office chair offer the same salvation as falling from my own differences?

Realty is unreality is fiction is unfiction is...well...real. I've always felt so deeply jealous jealous jealous. Do I want to be myself? I must if I want others to see my art. They have to see me in order to see me.

In my brain I'm always drinking a can of beer, but like in an anime. I don't like beer. Why do I want to be percieved as someone who likes beer? What is it in that connotation? The want to be masculine embedded in me by a patriarchial society? The idea that folks drink beer in anime as a sign of adulthood? Because it's something I saw adults doing when I was younger?

My reality has always been so deeply...unknown. Wobbly. People say that they know things, that they know what is and is not truly real. They say they know what is purely solid and frankly I don't believe them. I think they believe they've found somethinf solid...but have they? But I do sometimes think of them in jealousy because of that.

Am I real to you, reader? Do these Chobits icons speak to you? Am I real to you?

It's interesting sitting here with my loved ones in the room, also working on their own projects, and hearing their breathing is enough to help put me at ease. I'm listening to tiktok drama (though its actually more accurately stupid business drama being shown on tiktok) and it reminds me that there are some people who are continuing life as usual. Though, I guess I can't say that I'm Not continuing life as usual.

I think today I'm going to try to add some more images and icons to the blog specifically, since this is the only part of the website I'm actually using right now. Though, exciting news, my thesis has finally been offically approved by my unviersity!! I'm officially finished with that place that took so much of my soul and love for creating. My thesis now has to go through ProQuest edits, which heres hoping we don't have to do anymore edits for that, but here we are!

I still have yet to decide whetehr or not I want to link my real name with my online name, but at this point I will have more drawing power with my writing than I will the rest of my art. This isn't something that makes me angry or anything but it is...interesting? I don't know about whatever will happen with regard to selling my personality and capability but also...I'm up to the challenge in order to try and escape a normal 9 to 5 which will slowly take me and my creativity away from myself and my art.

Unfortunately...you know, deeply unfortunately, I think the greed of the world is beginning to consume me. Now that I know there are those who can make intense money on their art I desperately want to be one. My body aches constantly and it would help so much to be able to just...sit back and work from a spot that was comfortable for my body, heart and mind. Then again, I don't want to fall into stagnation but in a world where education designates opprotunity, I have to admit and acknowledge I am lacking an incredibly...not neccessarily important but helpful component? then again, I never went to art school so...who knows.

God, coding is harder na dmore fun :)

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